I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
