Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
