be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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