the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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