your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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