I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
