Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
