I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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