just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
We have so much sex to catch up on
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
