Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
