I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
