Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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