just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
