I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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