And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
