So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
