my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
