im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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