I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
