shes about as inviting as chlamydia
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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