He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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