I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
