Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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