Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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