a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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