Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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