I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
