just come out here and I will go home with you...
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
