which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
