Who did Billy Mays play for?
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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