why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
