we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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