somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
