I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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