Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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