I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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