apparently the secret to your success is patron
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
