i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I deserve this hangover.
Randomize
