Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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