Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Randomize
