I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
