Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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