She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!�
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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