Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
