There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
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