i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
