the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
