how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize