You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
