So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
It's official drugs can't kill me
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
