I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
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