fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
my poor anus
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
