so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
