What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
